LGBT-Socialist-Party

Taking my pills then going to bed. It's earlier than usual and I rather not sleep. I'd like to be up with Alex all night but I should rest, got stuff to do tomorrow. My laptop, therapy and hopefully we can play tomorrow night. Fingers crossed. The only reason I'm OK in the moment was Alex sent me a heart and I'm also ending the day soon in my nice room. This basically attests to how little I need to be happy and how much I rely on her. I'm realizing that the latter isn't the best thing for me and I need to rely more on me. I just don't understand how I'll do that yet. Also how depressed/love starved I am. A simple two character "

I was hoping I'd be great this morning, the pick one out of 5 emotions thing feels like it needs more shades of emotion. I'm in-between good and great, I'm just exhausted for the most part but I digress. I went to bed early and slept well plus got some good hours in. I'm not sure why I'm this tired. Maybe my dreams did it again? I just remember a tidbit of a Johnny nightmare, though it was tame for my normal nightmares. So idk. The news is on like every other morning, more horrifying stories from Ukrane. Tomorrow is their 31st independence day, so I'm hoping they don't end life on earth with a nuke or blowing up the power plant there. I definitely don't want to go out with Putin having a "look at my massive balls" attack. Anyway, gave my mom a hug cause she's quieter than usual, was butthurt about it but im the one that needs to reach out first in that relationship. Which I'm starting to understand. Dad is being a goof and making me feel loved, he's the best. Alex is still asleep

Home going to do a tl;dr of everything cause a lot is happening and I'm not about to write an essay on it. Went to school, got 300 bucks in a loan. 200 from student funds. The badass laptop will probably be here next week. Rip Lunchbox, your baby brother is here. Think I'll name him tadertot. This lady was helping me with student commnet and I mentioned I was disabled to advocate and get some help. She treated me like I was stupid :) she even had the audacity to tell me how to close a web browser. Jesus Christ lady?? She was behind me while doing steps on my own, she'd be reading how to do something while I already finished the task. 💀 makes me not want to tell anyone i need help, even if I do need it. Though the financial aid lady was rad and she knew I am and didn't treat me as if I was retarded. So I finished that up. Alex is needing space, though she did the whole pre suicidal routine. So I'm pretty damn worried but she hasn't broken my trust yet, so I'm trying to remain calm

I just finished my therapy and am going home, Alex still isn't talking and I'm Hella sus and worried. Though remaining calm and hoping for the best. My stomach feels oogie, nerves and food probably. I miss her dearly and need Alex time. If she dies I'm going to be not just destroyed but Hella pissed that she didn't reach out to me first before doing something dumb. That would rip me a new one knowing she didn't come to me first. Guilt I guess. Going to go home in a sec to hop in league. Me and my dad are talking about South Park micky mouse quotes. I'm doing pretty alright for now. Deadass don't want to drop on account of her being upsetti spaghetti. Katie was right, I need to start living for me. (My dad said this too but w/e Katie knows how to say it better) HOLY JEEBUS she wrote stuff. So tl;dr of it was she's tired of helping others, I said she should help herself, "sorry" she's fine she says, I'm proud, she wishes I wouldn't cause it's wasted on her... bleh. Still nothing

Sheesh. Today has been a whole ass day. I'm finally able to relax now. I logged all my stuff online so everyone and their mother can now check on me. Hi deviantart, sorry for breaking the 3rd wall. Alex is still being bummy, she seemed like she'd be able to hang out but she doesn't want to. I'm less worried about her being suicidal tonight, though I know she hides how she feels because she feels like a burden. Which cannot be farther from the truth. Wish she could try and realize how dear to me she is and if she did -maybe- she wouldn't want to give up. Though this is more a medical thing than a choice thing just hope she gets the help soon and doesn't blow it off like the time i tried to get her to go to therapy. Which she still isn't doing. I'll back off for now on that stuff, let her do it alone. Cause it's only her that can uplift herself, I tried doing it myself and failed. Only Alex can prevent Alex fires. Aw yus she dm'd which key she got and it's a 17 streets. Ew. Though she seems ok herself, she put a silly vomiting emogi. So, that's nice. Asked her if she wants to play games later, imma wait for her to reply. Any Alex time would be worth. She gave me a "mhm" which is a good sign. I feel tonight will be good. In non Alex news, I need to eat. I may stay up with her tonight just to hang out if she wants to. I foreshadow a bad mood tonight if I stay up too late, just based off my track record. I tend to say stuff that pisses her off when sleepy.

Very much indifferent, feeling true neutral. Watching stranger things with them again, it's nice. My Dad is talking a blue streak and is making it hard to focus. Alex isn't sending me even a peep. Nevermind I checked in and she's doing pretty good ♡ this will be my last update for tonight since it's alright. Unless something catastrophic happens, let's not tempt fate though. I'm way too sleepy to fight God tonight. Wished her a good night and stuff. I ate some goldfish and juicey juice. It's a nice night.

God, I'm exhausted. The insect dreams are back, a swarm of ants/spiders were covering my body from head to toe. My friend who passed away was in my dreams again, he was very close to me in elementary school. We didn't talk for years after that, I saw him in college a few times. I appogized to him for being a jerk in 6th grade to attempt talking again. It didn't work. More years went by, I was separated from Johnny and hadn't met Alex yet. I tried reaching out to my friend, he had passed away from a heart compilation. For years this guy has been in my dreams. I miss him being the first person who'd stand up for me. I hope where ever he is in the afterlife he's ok. I'm not sure if I'm rambling or even getting my point across, I'm falling asleep sitting up. Dreams like this waste most of my energy. Today is one of the first in a while I'll be home alone and nor being watched for my mood/suicide chance. I'm glad I'm in a good mood waking up and may sleep for most of the day just based

Doing pretty good. :) playing smite because league is down. It was sadly too hot and late to go out for food. I don't take the heat as well as I used to. Okc cooked it out of me. I've had some great teams in smite and some extremely toxic ones. Had a 7/0/2 Neith game then got carried by smurf players. They were pretty cool. No lunch or breakfast today. Smite skins, yes. Sorry dad. I'm feeling some league now, may give smite one more try for today. Alex is in a pretty nice mood today. We're being two goobers, she's probably busy again in this moment. I'm cool with it. Prolly should go for a pee break soon.